Billy Berries was a famous musician who played a wicked banjo and wore outrageous outfits. In fact, even though he made a gazillion dollars playing his banjo, he wanted people to look more at his clothes.
During concerts, Billy Berries would stop in the middle of a song to ask his fans, “Do you like my new vest? It’s made with a thousand buttons, each in a brand new, different color invented by insane Mongolian hamburger cooks. It’s znet!”
That was his word. Znet. It meant he liked it a lot.
“Or how about my shoes? The Queen of England needed to go to the bathroom after drinking too much root beer, but she had to make these shoes first because I paid her a lot of money, and she did the pee-pee dance the whole time she was making my shoes. How znet is that?!”
Sometimes, they didn’t even have to be clothes. Billy Berries would wear plush furniture, young oak trees, kitchen appliances, small cars and even live animals (who could ever forget the drama of his grizzly bear concert?)
Yep, Billy Berries loved his clothes, and he was always looking for more and better things to wear. Before each concert, he would always go to the nearest store and buy something new, no matter if it was znet or not.
On this day, Billy Berries found himself in Poopybobbytown, Nebraska, and the only store in the town was Kaplooeybuttz’s General Store which sold second-hand clothes.
“This place looks znet,” Billy Berries told his friends, who were always around, but not really his friends. They only wanted to steal any loose change he dropped from the pockets of his vast wardrobe. But Billy Berries didn’t seem to mind since he had gazillions of dollars.
He walked through the store’s front door which chimed his arrival. “Dudes, a chime. Znet.”
A gigantic smiling fat man wearing a three-piece banana-yellow suit stepped out of an aisle to greet the customers.
“Hello, folks. I’m Jimmy Kaplooeybuttz, owner and manager here. If y’all need help, just call my name.”
“Dudes, fat man yellow suit. Znet!”
Meanwhile, in the alley behind the store, a hobo was using his rolled-up dirty coat as a pillow. But he was woken up by a dog that was peeing on the coat.
“Darned dog! Now I can’t wear my coat!” And the hobo threw the dirty wet coat into a trashcan where it settled in a pool of rotten liquified lettuce.
Betty Kaplooeybuttz, Jimmy’s wife, walked out the back door into the alley. When the smell of the dusty alley hit her, she sneezed and got green snot all over her hands. But she didn’t care, she was in a hurry to get her work done, and work today meant sorting through the donation bin. But she had sneezed so hard, it knocked her brains silly, and she didn’t realize she was pulling stuff out of the trash can which was next to the donation bin. The first thing she grabbed with her snotty hands was the dirty, lettuce juice-moist, peed-on hobo coat. When Betty felt the liquid lettuce on her hands, she looked down and saw what she was carrying. It made her so sick that she threw up on the coat.
“BLECK!! Where did this aweful thing come from?!”
Betty ran to the bathroom to wash her hands. She threw the coat onto the bathroom floor and scrubbed her hands with soap and sandpaper. Then she ran all the way home and took a 17-hour shower, and then she went to church to have the priest bless her hands so that they were clean again.
Bluey Kaplooeybuttz was the son of Jimmy and Betty, and he was in the bathroom stall with the door closed when his mom had ran to the bathroom sink to wash her hands. A few minutes after she left, he finished up, but he saw a big problem.
“Oh no! We done ran out of toilet paper again! Wait, what’s this?”
Bluey saw a sleeve of the coat on the floor poking under the bathroom stall door. He bent over and pulled the coat under the stall door and used it to wipe his butt.
On his way out of the bathroom, Bluey didn’t notice that the dirty, peed-on, lettuce juice-moist, snotty, vomited, poopy hobo coat was stuck to his shoe, and he dragged it all the way to the front of the store where it finally came off his shoe.
“Well, what’s this doing on the floor?” asked Jimmy Kaplooeybuttz, who picked up the coat and put in on the clothes rack where he thought it belonged.
“Wait,” said Billy Berries. “That’s the znetest coat I’ve ever seen! I’ll take it. Don’t put it in a bag; I want to put it on right now! Here’s my money,” and he handed Jimmy a half bazillion dollars.
As Billy Berries put on the dirty, peed-on, lettuce juice-moist, snotty, vomit covered, poopy, stepped-on hobo coat, the sleeves gurgled and squished around his arms. And as he snapped it over his shoulders, wet poop dripped to the ground. But all Billy Berries could do was admire all of the coat’s many natural colors.
“This wet yellow is amazing! And look at this blackish green! And what’s this beautiful dark green ooze, and this dark tan, biley explosion? And, oh, I love the dark brown with hints of corn. Definitely znet,” said Billy Berries to his friends who were not his friends.
They were already sneaking their hands into the pockets of the znet hobo coat, looking for loose change, but they only found gushy nastiness.
Later than night, Billy Berries put on a concert at the PoopyBobbytown Arena. And, as he usually does, he stopped the concert so his fans could admire his new coat.
“Ain’t it znet!”
